I cant really articulate how I feel about this but every bit of it reinforces this.. self-awareness Im experiencing. Like, I am an entity, a whole, stand-alone person. I used to think of Ethan as a piece of me. An extension of self that I needed, but now I think I felt that way because it wasnt Ok for me to want things. Like, I only ever deserved what I needed. Not anymore. Almost overnight I feel — quite comfortably — that its totally fine for me to want things. And absolutly to be expected that I should get what I want. Speaking of things I want, Hayden (god his name is so fucking stupid I hate to even write it) finally came back to work today after being gone for three days. I dont flatter myself that it was the pain of my rejection keeping him away, Im sure it was just the awkwardness. I have a feeling that if he wasnt so new, and this place wasnt such a fantastic resume-entry for him, that he would have quit over it and gone somewhere else. I walked past his desk intentionally a. 'Wait here — I won't be a moment, ' I said, and put my drink down and headed for the bedroom. I certainly didn't want her in my bed, and I got a condom from the bedside table and went back to the kitchen. My idea was to fuck her quickly, then give her some money and send her on her way.I found her sitting on a chair with one foot up on the edge of it, her knee beside her face as she felt her foot with her hand. Her skirt was up round her waist, baring her legs completely, and she'd taken her sandal off.'I got a stone or somethin' in me sandal, and cut me foot, ' she said, wincing as she gingerly squeezed the fleshy part of her foot.'I'll give you a plaster, ' I said. 'Let me look.'I knelt in front of her, and she put her grimy foot on my thigh. I turned it slightly, to see a small cut on the sole. Almost without thinking, I lifted her foot and kissed the cut, tasting her saltiness, and ran my hand up her bare leg and thigh, feeling her soft skin.'It's not bad, ' I said, seeing her.
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